Family Communication Tips

By Bruce Campbell

Serious illness puts families under great stress, making good communication more difficult. Working to improve communication can help increase understanding, uncover unrealistic expectations, strengthen relationships and aid cooperative problem solving. Here are some tips for better family communication.

Think Timing, Setting and Approach

If you have something important to discuss, select a time when both you and the person with CFS or FM will be at your best. Find a time when you can give good attention and the person who is ill will not be distracted by pain or brain fog, preferably during his or her best hours of the day. Choose a place that minimizes distractions and interruptions. And bring an intent to find solutions that work for both partners and that strengthen the relationship. The idea is to be able to discuss problems in a constructive rather than a confrontational way.

Treat each other with respect, acknowledging his or her support and effort. Avoid demeaning comments, sarcasm and blaming. Acknowledge your part in shared problems and express appreciation for the other’s efforts. Consider having each person ask, “What can I do to make your life easier?” and each person state, “Here are some things you can do to make my life easier.” For more, see the discussion of asking for help, below. 

Listening

Good communication is based both on speaking clearly and on good listening. The purpose of listening is to understand. Listening means focusing your attention on what is being said. Listening does not mean agreeing, disagreeing, defending yourself or criticizing the other person. It’s goal is to understand the speaker’s point of view. Listening works best if it occurs without interruption.

After the person is finished speaking, respond by acknowledging having heard them. You might say something as simple as, “I understand.” If you are not clear, you can respond by asking for clarification or more information. You might say something like, “I’m not sure I understand. Can you say something more?”

Test your understanding. From time to time, check whether you have understood the other person’s position by restating it in your own words. You could say, “Let me try to summarize what I’ve heard and you can tell me if I’m understanding you.” Good communication depends on each person’s understanding the other’s views.

Problem Solving

Once you believe you understand one another’s position, focus on searching for solutions or problem solving. Begin by thinking of several ways you could handle the problem differently in the future, not evaluating any of them until your brainstorming is complete. For example, if your problem is how to do household chores when one member of the family is ill, alternatives might include dividing up the chores differently among members of the family, hiring occasional or regular assistance, simplifying tasks (for example, having simpler meals or cleaning less frequently), and moving to a smaller home that is easier to maintain.

Then evaluate each proposed solution, decide which ones are most promising, try one or two and evaluate the results. Some potential remedies may not work, so you may need to have further discussions, but others may prove helpful. A solution may be a combination of several approaches. If several strategies are unsuccessful, you may decide that a problem may not be solvable at the present time.

In many cases, you will be able to solve your problems yourself, but at times you may want to get help, either in understanding the causes of your problem or in finding solutions. So it may help to ask what resources are available to you. For example, to get a fresh perspective on your situation, you might ask other families how they have solved a similar problem or you might ask what community resources (church and public groups) are available.

Asking for Help

It can be difficult and awkward to be on either the asking or the receiving end of requests for help. Those needing help are often reluctant to ask and may word their request in a general way, such as, “I need help with the housework.” The person being asked may wonder what would be involved in responding to the request. A solution is to be specific. If you’re on the asking side, say something like, “Can you do a load of laundry today?”

If you are the one being asked, it’s reasonable to defer giving a yes or no answer when asked for help, until you are confident you understand what is expected of you. You can ask, “What specifically would you like me to do?” Even if you decide to decline, you can still acknowledge the importance of the request to the person asking for help.

Regular Relationship Discussions

A strategy for nurturing relationships and keeping discussion of issues in a problem solving context is to set aside time regularly to discuss the relationship you have with the person in your life who is ill. One family calls it their “talk night.” They set aside Sunday evenings as a time to discuss any issue that is on their minds.

The husband explains, “It can be an issue one of us has with the other, problems with friends or children, problems around the house, my work, etc. Anything either of us sees as a problem or causing stress is a likely topic. Even very minor things are ok. A rule is the we each openly listen to the other without being defensive, and we each really try to put ourselves in the other's place and feel what it's like for them. We problem-solve together to come up with a resolution for each issue. After doing talk night we start each week refreshed and with the feeling that comes from having dealt with whatever problems were there. Talk night has worked exceptionally well for us.”

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