Taking Action Helps Defeat Negative Emotions

by Sally Price

[Reprinted with permission from “The ACPA Chronicle,” the magazine of the American Chronic Pain Association:  www.theacpa.org . Nancy Fortner is a moderator for the CFIDS/FM Self-Help program.]

After years of dealing with arthritic pain and fibromyalgia, Nancy Fortner has become an expert in turning negative emotions into positive ones. Instead of looking for or expecting big changes in her life, she has learned to congratulate herself on the small victories.

When she feels angry or frustrated about her physical limitations, Nancy focuses on aspects of her life where she has taken control and made life easier. "It takes discipline," says the 60 year old Rio Vista, California resident, "but it pays off."

Nancy recalls when she began a computerized sign business in order to help her husband take an early retirement. "I soon realized that I had been in denial about my illness," she says, noting that severely increased symptoms forced her to give up the business. "I felt guilty about it," says Nancy, "but instead of blaming myself for no longer doing it, I started congratulating myself for having done it at all."

Another time the mounting clutter in her home discouraged her from inviting friends over, increasing the social isolation that often occurs with chronic pain. She says, "I was blaming myself and saying, "Oh, you’re just lazy."

Instead of dwelling on negative emotions, Nancy searched for one small area she could improve, and found her bathroom vanity. "In a moment of insight I realized that I don’t use these things every day," she says, and resolved to keep the vanity clear. Feeling encouraged by that success, she slowly worked through the whole house, gradually disposing of things she didn’t use daily. She disciplined herself to keep the areas clear of clutter, and adopted neater habits, such as sorting the mail right away. In time, she had an organized house, a happier husband, and a solution to what seemed an overwhelming problem.

"I congratulated myself because these are household chores I’m still able to do; chores I don’t have to ask my husband to take over for me," she says. "It does much to improve my mood--and his too--to come home to a clean house every day."

Turning Negatives Into Positives

Keeping on top of negative emotions so they don’t overtake us is especially important for people with chronic pain. If stressful feelings aren’t dealt with, they can increase our pain, and decrease our ability to manage the pain. As Nancy says, "Everything is interactive. If I have bad pain it tends to bring my emotions down, and it works the other way too."

Her daily strategy is to find interesting things to do, "so I don’t think about the pain," she says. A creative person, she turned to painting and pottery making when she had to give up her teaching job. When the osteoarthritis in her knees made it too hard to stand at an easel or sit at a potter’s wheel, she started making jewelry from semi-precious stones, a hobby she continues today.

When her circumstances changed, Nancy didn’t bemoan the fact that she could no longer do something that she loved. Instead, she would congratulate herself on finding something she still could do. It made a lot of difference in her moods, she says.

Nancy is familiar with the damaging effects of negative emotions from her childhood. "I had a lot of anger. My parents divorced, my mother died, and each sibling was adopted by different relatives, and raised separately. There were other events that came up later in my life. I realized that this anger was doing me harm. It was zapping my energy," she says.

When she realized that holding onto anger was only hurting her, she was able to release it. Living in the present also helps to deal with pain and fear. I realize there’s nothing I can do, so I redirect (myself) to today," she says. "If we live in the past or are always looking at the future, we’re missing what we have, and that’s the present."

Alternative Ways to Deal With Pain

Meditation also helps Nancy deal with her emotions and pain. She says, "I meditate two times a day for 15 minutes with my eyes closed. I try not to think of anything. I sort of blank out and go into a state of deep relaxation."

Getting regular gentle exercise also helps, Nancy says. She swims laps and does aqua aerobics several times a week. "If I start feeling my mood kind of low, I start moving my muscles in some way," she says, recalling how taking long walks helped her through the intense grief of losing a sister.

Reaching out to other people is another wonderful antidote to a depressed mood. When she wasn’t able to get to meetings of the various ACPA groups she had started, Nancy found help from online support groups. She is currently a trained moderator for courses offered on the CFIDS/Fibromyalgia Self-Help website (www.cfidsselfhelp.org).

Nancy is not one to sit and stew in her emotions. She looks for solutions. When learning to use a C-PAP (Continuous Positive Airway Pressure) machine for her sleep apnea, she became intensely frustrated, so went to a psychologist for help with her emotional state.

When she encountered stiff joints after sitting, a solution came to her at a concert. She felt much better after "swaying to the music." So now when sitting for a prolonged time she tries to move slightly, "like rocking a baby," she says. "I praised myself for coming up with another idea for handling my pain." Nancy has learned how to take control of the little things she can control and not get hung up on big solutions. "When you have a chronic illness you are not going to make it all better."

Another little thing that has been a big help is to rest before she gets tired, something most people with fibromyalgia don’t do. "Usually they push themselves until it is too late and they get a flare," she says. (For more information, go to "My Secret Weapon, Pre-Emptive Rest" by Bruce Campbell.)

Nancy says her biggest obstacle to dealing with her feelings was her belief in the "shoulds." "I was a very conscientious, hard-working person. I had to learn that a job that wasn’t done perfectly was still valuable," she says. "I also had to learn to delegate, and if others didn’t do it my way, that’s still okay."

Nancy focuses on the benefits of chronic pain, like finding pleasure in a quadruple rainbow or her two dogs. "People think it’s amazing to see me in an electric scooter with two dogs on leashes," she says with a hearty laugh.

Her pain has helped her be more aware of other people, she says. "Dealing with suffering has made me feel more a part of the human race. It helps me if I think, ‘how would I feel toward someone in the same situation [as me]?’ I would be very sympathetic. So why don’t I do the same with myself?"